7 signs you lack emotional intelligence

In my 10 years as an executive coach, I have never had someone raise his hand and declare that he needs to work on his emotional intelligence.

Yet I can't count the number of times I've heard from people that the one thing their colleague needs to work on is emotional intelligence.

This is the problem: Those who most need to develop it are the ones who least realize it.

The data showing that emotional intelligence is a key differentiator between star performers and the rest of the pack is irrefutable.

Nevertheless, there are some who never embrace the skill for themselves — or who wait until it's too late.

Take Craig (not his real name), a coaching client of mine, who showed tremendous potential and a strong ability to drive results for his company. The issue with Craig was the way in which he got those results.

When asked to describe him, his colleagues would say things like: "he's a bull in a china shop;" "he has sharp elbows;" and "he leaves dead bodies in his path."

His approach to executing projects was not sustainable as he wasn't able to motivate, attract and retain good talent. His direct reports pointed out how frequently Craig seemed oblivious to how he demeaned others. His boss commented on Craig's impatience and his propensity to lash out at his peers.

When I shared this feedback with Craig, he seemed taken aback and was convinced that I had heard wrong. He didn't have the self-awareness or empathy that are hallmarks of emotional intelligence.

Here are some of the telltale signs that you need to work on your emotional intelligence:

• You often feel like others don't get the point and it makes you impatient and frustrated.
• You're surprised when others are sensitive to your comments or jokes and you think they're overreacting.
• You think being liked at work is overrated.
• You weigh in early with your assertions and defend them with rigor.
• You hold others to the same high expectations you hold for yourself.
• You find others are to blame for most of the issues on your team.
• You find it annoying when others expect you to know how they feel.

So what do you do if you recognized yourself in this list? Here are four strategies:

1. Get feedback. 

You can't work on a problem you don't understand. A critical component of emotional intelligence is self-awareness — this is the ability to recognize and stay cognizant of behaviors in the moment.

Whether you engage in a 360 assessment or simply ask a few people what they observe, this step is critical in heightening your sense of what you do or don't do. And don't just find excuses for your behavior. That defeats the purpose.

Rather, listen to the feedback, try to understand it, and own it. When Craig initially heard what others thought of him, he quickly became defensive. But when he accepted the feedback, he moved to owning it and became determined to change.

Flickr/christopher_brown

2. Beware of the gap between intent and impact.

Those with weak emotional intelligence often underestimate what a negative impact their words and actions have on others. They ignore the gap between what they mean to say and what others actually hear.

Here are some common examples of what those with low emotional intelligence may say and how it's actually heard:

What you say: "At the end of the day, it's all about getting the work done."

What others hear: "All I care about is the results and if some are offended along the way, so be it."

What you say: "If I can understand it, anyone can."

What others hear: "You're not smart enough to get this."

What you say: "I don't see what the big deal is."

What others hear: "I don't really care how you feel."

Regardless of what you intend to mean, think about how your words are going to impact others and whether that's how you want to them to feel. Craig was notorious for saying things that made others bristle, but he began to consider the impact of his words.

Before every meeting, he spent a few minutes asking himself: What is the impression I want to make? How do I want people to feel about me at the end? How do I need to frame my message to reach that objective?

3. Press the pause button.

Having high emotional intelligence means making choices about how you respond to situations, rather than having a knee-jerk reaction. For example, Craig tended to interrupt and shoot down other people's ideas before they could complete their thoughts.

This behavior was a reaction to his fear of losing control of the discussion and wasting time. So he started to take pauses before reacting. There are two important pauses to take:

Pause to listen to yourself. When Craig was getting impatient and frustrated in discussions, he often felt his jaw clench and his chest tighten. By recognizing these physical signs, he was able to pause and remind himself that he feared losing control. As a result, Craig was better able to determine how he wanted to respond, rather than relying on his default of lashing out.

Pause to listen to others. Listening means helping others feel like you've understood them (even if you don't agree with them). It's not the same as not saying anything. It's simply giving others a chance to convey their ideas before you jump in.

Getty Images / Levent Kulu

4. Wear both shoes.

People often suggest you "put yourself in the other person's shoes" to develop empathy, a key component of emotional intelligence, but you shouldn't dismiss how you feel. You need to wear both shoes — understanding both your agenda and theirs and seeing any situation from both sides.

Craig shifted his approach from "Here are my concerns" to "These are my issues, and I hear your concerns. Let's determine a way forward that takes both into consideration."

Strengthening your emotional intelligence takes commitment, discipline, and a genuine belief in its value. With time and practice, though, you'll find that the results you achieve far outweigh the effort it took to get there.

• MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS

The 8 Instinctive Habits of Remarkable Leaders

Once in a while you meet a leader who stands out -- even in a room filled with skilled, experienced, successful people. She hasn't just learned to be remarkably charismatic. He hasn't just learned to be remarkably likeable.

You can tell, in an instant, they simply think and act and lead differently than most people.

But those rare individuals don't become remarkable leaders overnight. While some are born with an aptitude for leadership, truly outstanding leaders are made. Through training, experience, and a healthy dose of introspection they learn how to make quick decisions. They learn to work with different personalities. They learn to nurture, motivate, and inspire.

They learn to truly lead.

And in time those skills become automatic and reflexive. While great leaders do a tremendous amount of thinking, that thinking happens behind the scenes. In the moment, in the trenches, when people look to them and need them most, they act: swiftly, decisively, and confidently.

Want to become a remarkable leader? Work hard to, like them, do some things naturally, automatically, and instinctively:

1. They praise.

It's easy to tell when employee recognition is simply one entry on a very long to-do list. We've all been around people who occasionally -- and awkwardly -- shake a few hands and pat a few backs. No matter how hard they try to fake it, their insincerity is evident. (Tell me you haven't had at least one boss like that.)

No one gets enough praise, so truly outstanding leaders see expressing thanks, giving praise, and providing recognition as one gift that can never be given often enough.

Praise is almost like breathing to a truly outstanding leader: natural, automatic, frequent, and most of all, genuine and sincere.

Related: 10 Qualities of Really Amazing Employees (LinkedIn)

2. They decide.

Ideas are great but implementation is everything. Outstanding leaders quickly weigh, assess, decide, and then immediately act -- because decisiveness and action build confidence and momentum.

That's why making a poor decision is often better than making no decision at all. Mistakes can almost always be corrected. Even though you should always try, rarely must you be right the first time. Adapting and learning and revising so you get it right in the end matters a lot more.

Especially when...

3. They take responsibility.

We all make bad decisions. What matters is what we do afterwe make those mistakes.

Outstanding leaders are the first to say, "I was wrong." Outstanding leaders are the first to say, "I made the wrong choice. We need to change course."

Outstanding leaders instinctively admit their mistakes early and often because they're quick to take responsibility and because they desperately want to build a culture where mistakes are simply challenges to overcome, not opportunities to point fingers and assign blame.

4. They communicate.

Business is filled with what: What to execute, what to implement, what to say, and sometimes even what to feel.

What's often missing is the why.

That's why so many projects, processes, and tasks fail. Tell me what to do and I'll try to do it; tell me why, help me understand why, help me believe and make that why my mission too...and I'll run through proverbial brick walls to do the impossible.

Managers stipulate. Outstanding leaders explain. And then they listen--because the most effective communication involves way more listening than talking.

5. They set the example.

Say you're walking through a factory with the plant manager and there's a piece of trash on the floor. There are two types of people when that happens:

• One spots it, stops, struts over, snatches it up, crumples it like a beer can, and strides 20 feet to a trashcan to slam it home. He picked up the trash... but he also made a statement.
• The other veers over without breaking stride, picks it up, crumples it, keeps talking, and doesn't throw it away until he comes across a convenient trashcan. He's not thinking about making a statement. He just saw a little trash... and picked it up without thinking.

Simple example? Sure. But extremely telling -- especially to employees.

Why? Employees notice what you do. When you're in charge, everyone watches what you do. The difference lies in how you do what you do... and what that says about you.

Outstanding leaders do what they do simply because it's important to them. It's part of who they are. They care about go, not show -- and, in time, so do they people they work with.

Related: What Kinds of People Do You Hate to Work With? (LinkedIn)

6. They give feedback.

We all want to improve: to be more skilled, more polished, more successful. That's why we all need constructive feedback.

Because they care about their employees, not just as workers but as people, outstanding leaders instinctively go to the person struggling and say, "I know you can do this. And I'm going to help you."

Think about a time when a person told you what you least wanted to hear and yet most needed to hear. They changed your life. Outstanding leaders naturally try to change people's lives, even if it's uncomfortable... because they care.

7. They seek help.

At some point, most people in leadership positions start to avoid displaying any signs of vulnerability. After all, you're in charge of everything, so you're supposed to know everything.

Of course that's impossible. You can't know everything about your job. (Your employees can't know everything about their jobs, either.)

Outstanding leaders don't pretend to know everything. (In fact, they purposely hire people who know more than they do.) So they instinctively ask questions. They automatically ask for help.

And in the process they show vulnerability, respect for the knowledge and skills of others, and a willingness to listen -- all of which are qualities of outstanding leaders.

8. They challenge.

Most leaders implement their ideas by enforcing processes and procedures that support those ideas.

For employees, though, engagement and satisfaction are largely based on autonomy and independence. I care a lot more when it's mine: my idea, my process, my responsibility. I care the most when I feel I am depended on -- and given the authority -- to make important decisions and do what's right.

Outstanding leaders create broad standards and guidelines and then challenge their employees by giving them the autonomy and independence to work the way they work best. They allow employees to turn "yours" into "ours," transforming work into an outward expression of each person's unique skills, talents, and experiences.

That's a challenge every employee wants to face -- and one that outstanding leaders instinctively provide.

LinkedIn Influencer, Jeff Haden, published this post originally on LinkedIn.