7 signs you lack emotional intelligence

In my 10 years as an executive coach, I have never had someone raise his hand and declare that he needs to work on his emotional intelligence.

Yet I can't count the number of times I've heard from people that the one thing their colleague needs to work on is emotional intelligence.

This is the problem: Those who most need to develop it are the ones who least realize it.

The data showing that emotional intelligence is a key differentiator between star performers and the rest of the pack is irrefutable.

Nevertheless, there are some who never embrace the skill for themselves — or who wait until it's too late.

Take Craig (not his real name), a coaching client of mine, who showed tremendous potential and a strong ability to drive results for his company. The issue with Craig was the way in which he got those results.

When asked to describe him, his colleagues would say things like: "he's a bull in a china shop;" "he has sharp elbows;" and "he leaves dead bodies in his path."

His approach to executing projects was not sustainable as he wasn't able to motivate, attract and retain good talent. His direct reports pointed out how frequently Craig seemed oblivious to how he demeaned others. His boss commented on Craig's impatience and his propensity to lash out at his peers.

When I shared this feedback with Craig, he seemed taken aback and was convinced that I had heard wrong. He didn't have the self-awareness or empathy that are hallmarks of emotional intelligence.

Here are some of the telltale signs that you need to work on your emotional intelligence:

• You often feel like others don't get the point and it makes you impatient and frustrated.
• You're surprised when others are sensitive to your comments or jokes and you think they're overreacting.
• You think being liked at work is overrated.
• You weigh in early with your assertions and defend them with rigor.
• You hold others to the same high expectations you hold for yourself.
• You find others are to blame for most of the issues on your team.
• You find it annoying when others expect you to know how they feel.

So what do you do if you recognized yourself in this list? Here are four strategies:

1. Get feedback. 

You can't work on a problem you don't understand. A critical component of emotional intelligence is self-awareness — this is the ability to recognize and stay cognizant of behaviors in the moment.

Whether you engage in a 360 assessment or simply ask a few people what they observe, this step is critical in heightening your sense of what you do or don't do. And don't just find excuses for your behavior. That defeats the purpose.

Rather, listen to the feedback, try to understand it, and own it. When Craig initially heard what others thought of him, he quickly became defensive. But when he accepted the feedback, he moved to owning it and became determined to change.

Flickr/christopher_brown

2. Beware of the gap between intent and impact.

Those with weak emotional intelligence often underestimate what a negative impact their words and actions have on others. They ignore the gap between what they mean to say and what others actually hear.

Here are some common examples of what those with low emotional intelligence may say and how it's actually heard:

What you say: "At the end of the day, it's all about getting the work done."

What others hear: "All I care about is the results and if some are offended along the way, so be it."

What you say: "If I can understand it, anyone can."

What others hear: "You're not smart enough to get this."

What you say: "I don't see what the big deal is."

What others hear: "I don't really care how you feel."

Regardless of what you intend to mean, think about how your words are going to impact others and whether that's how you want to them to feel. Craig was notorious for saying things that made others bristle, but he began to consider the impact of his words.

Before every meeting, he spent a few minutes asking himself: What is the impression I want to make? How do I want people to feel about me at the end? How do I need to frame my message to reach that objective?

3. Press the pause button.

Having high emotional intelligence means making choices about how you respond to situations, rather than having a knee-jerk reaction. For example, Craig tended to interrupt and shoot down other people's ideas before they could complete their thoughts.

This behavior was a reaction to his fear of losing control of the discussion and wasting time. So he started to take pauses before reacting. There are two important pauses to take:

Pause to listen to yourself. When Craig was getting impatient and frustrated in discussions, he often felt his jaw clench and his chest tighten. By recognizing these physical signs, he was able to pause and remind himself that he feared losing control. As a result, Craig was better able to determine how he wanted to respond, rather than relying on his default of lashing out.

Pause to listen to others. Listening means helping others feel like you've understood them (even if you don't agree with them). It's not the same as not saying anything. It's simply giving others a chance to convey their ideas before you jump in.

Getty Images / Levent Kulu

4. Wear both shoes.

People often suggest you "put yourself in the other person's shoes" to develop empathy, a key component of emotional intelligence, but you shouldn't dismiss how you feel. You need to wear both shoes — understanding both your agenda and theirs and seeing any situation from both sides.

Craig shifted his approach from "Here are my concerns" to "These are my issues, and I hear your concerns. Let's determine a way forward that takes both into consideration."

Strengthening your emotional intelligence takes commitment, discipline, and a genuine belief in its value. With time and practice, though, you'll find that the results you achieve far outweigh the effort it took to get there.

• MURIEL MAIGNAN WILKINS

There Are 8 Indispensable Elements of Real Wealth and 7 Aren't Money

What’s the purpose of life?

That's a powerful question that deserves your attention. My answer has drastically changed the past five to 10 years, and will continue to evolve. Success is part of life's purpose but I know that on the other side of success is the quest for more success, more milestones, more achievements, more people to help and learn from, more money to be made. That's great. Life becomes mundane and boring without goals and dreams to reach for but I believe there is more to life and real wealth.

Don’t get me wrong. Becoming a millionaire is a valid desire for everyone, but there is no higher success than building and maintaining a world class life with meaning and significance. Awareness precedes choice, and your choices determine the quality of your life. I’ve put some serious thought into what makes a world class life. Here are the eight forms you must adapt and start improving if you want to live an exceptional life with no regret.

1. A world-class inner life.

Your outer world, who you are and the quality of your life, is 100 percent determined by your inner world. Your inner world consists of your peace of mind, the quality of your thinking and living authentically. Are you living your true values or doing things based out of fear and worry? Your inner world determines your self worth and how connected you are to your core.

2. World-class health.

Your health is a very important part of wealth. If you don’t have your health, you have nothing. At the end of your life, the things you now perceive as the big things might be the little things. When we are young, we will compromise our health for wealth, but when we are old we will gladly sacrifice all of our wealth for just a little bit of health.

It’s extremely important to put health first, if you really want a world class life. We take our health for granted until we lose it, then we spend all our waking time trying to get it back. Those who don’t make time for exercise must eventually make time for illness.

3. World-class family life.

Having loved ones around you, and being able to see your family whenever you choose, is a crucial part of success. Gary Vaynerchuktold me his business is extremely important, but a distant second to his family. The greatest support system in the world is good family and friends. You can’t be careless here, you need great relationships and those who make you better. Remember, you can’t change your family, and trying to do so will cause you endless stress and frustration. Love them and appreciate them for who they are. 

4. World-class profession/career.

The attitude you bring to your days determine your destiny and it's extremely hard to carry a great attitude when you don't enjoy what you do. According to the new Gallup survey "71 percent of employees are activity disengaged at work."

Be patient and figure out your strengths. Purposefully choosing (or creating) your ideal professional is crucial to a world-class life. When you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life. It's important to get to the end of your career knowing you gave your best. Yes, unexpected circumstances do happen but you are in control of your own future through the choices you make. Life is not easy nor promised, but it's how you adapt and adjust that determines what happens next. Never settle.

5. World-class financial freedom.

Less than 5 percent of our society will be financially stable by age 65. WTF? Money is extremely important and makes the world go round. It also gives you one of the most important aspects of a world-class life --freedom.

Money allows you the choices to do what you want, when you want, wherever you want, so you can live on your own terms. What’s your game plan to assure a financially free future?

6. World-class circle of genius.

You become who you spend the most time with. Are the people you’re associating with holding you to higher standards and challenging you? If you spend time with people who are playing at a world class level, you drastically increase your chances of doing the same. Their ways of being will rub off on you. You’ll adapt their philosophies and perspectives.

Start surrounding yourself with people whose lives you want to emulate. Keep company with those who are thinking and acting at an extraordinary level.

7. World-class experiences.

Ultimately, life is an adventure. Experiences and memories are what separate the elite lives from the mediocre. I’ve recently started focusing more on producing instead of consuming, and valuing experiences over material things. I like both, and appreciate the finer things in life, but after studying countless world-class people, it’s clear they are constantly creating memorable experiences. What's the point of doing something if you’re not having fun? 

8. World-class impact and legacy.

The worthiest aim of life is service to the world around us. How much difference are you making in the world around you? Are you adding consistent value that improves the lives of others?

Generosity the key that unlocks happiness. There is no greater feeling than when you help or give to others, asking for nothing back. Whether it is a compliment or a small gift, do something nice for somebody every day. Realize every tweet, every blog post and every conversation you have is part of your legacy.

I challenge you not to postpone your life. Most say “when I have more time I will take time for myself” but the reality is life waits for no one. Don't postpone travel or chasing your dreams. Nobody knows when their time is up, so make the most of it by focusing on these eight forms of real wealth.

Peter Voogd